Sun goes into hiding just to spite college students that began to come out of hiding

A couple weekends ago, a contributing writer for a satirical, online newspaper, that definitely is not this one, wrote a piece about Allegheny College students rediscovering the sun and the joys of being outside. Immediately afterward, however, the sun decided that it had had enough of the attention, hiding itself away and dooming the Meadville area to snow instead.

The Krampus had reached out to the contributing writer, who definitely does not contribute to their satirical, online newspaper, for comment and received the following: 

“Yeah, I mean, that’s probably my bad. You’d think a fella that makes such a huge entrance, like, Oh look at me it’s daytime! Good luck getting your work done when it’s so nice outside!’ would be able to handle some attention, but I guess the sun’s just shy. I guess even massive flaming balls of gas even get stage fright.”

The contributing writer was also quick to point out that the one-week span of sunshine is not all that abnormal, as at this time of year Pennsylvania passes back and forth the seasons of “False Spring” and “Second Winter” with a brief intermission between, perfectly engineered to make living here even more soul-crushing than it normally is, as if that were possible, until it becomes “Kind of Summer,” the season immediately preceeding the one simply named  “Mosquitoes.”

Some more nefarious, unconfirmed rumors have linked the contributing writer to Punxsutawney Phil, insisting the two are colluding into turning the 6 weeks of winter into significantly more. They plan to do this, allegedly, by constantly repeating dangerous phrases, such as, “Oh, it’ll stop raining tomorrow” or “Oh, the sun is gonna be around for a good while,” and thereby daring the forces of nature themselves. 

Regardless, the contributing writer would like to extend his heartfelt apologies to anyone who got sunburnt and then had to wear a winter coat immediately afterwards.